


How long is forever? - Merthur

by Emryssams



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 02:43:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20323783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emryssams/pseuds/Emryssams
Summary: After Arthur's death, Merlin is caught alone with out him for centuries.How long will he be alone? And will he ever rise?After all, Merlin is nothing without magic, but turns out he is nothing without Arthur.Kilgharrah said Arthur will rise again once Albions need is greatest, but what if it's when merlins need is greatest?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I will be posting new chapters every couple of days or once a week!

Gaius always told Merlin not to dwell. 

But as merlin enchanted Arthur to drift away on the lake of Avalon, his legs were glued to shore. Just standing. 

Of course, He dwelled. 

He couldn't take his eyes off the top of Arthur's head as he drifted farther away. He felt like even if he blinked, he would disappear entirely. But his eyes continued to water and tears blurred his vision. Unable to get a clear vision of the lake before him, Merlin blinked quickly, letting the tears roll off so he could get another look at his king. but in that one second, Arthur disappeared into the distance and merlin choked a sob fearing that will be the last of him.

His boots sunk more heavily into the shallow sandy water. Still staring at the spot Arthur once laid.   
  
Merlin didn't know how long he was standing there but his legs began to ache and the sun dipped behind the horizon. The sky seemed to set on fire, as if it was angry that destiny followed through. Merlin couldn't think of anything. He didn't want to think. He didn't want to know what would happen next. 

Merlin was nobody without magic, but turns out he was nobody without Arthur. 

How could of this happened? He spent every breathing moment protecting Arthur, loving Arthur. And he has failed. The sun continued to turn the sky gray as merlin realized that he was the only person in the world at that moment that knew that Arthur was,

Truly dead.

He could go back to Camelot and face gwen, gaius, the knights. And tell them that Arthur is dead. Or he could turn around and never look back. But either way, if he didn't return. Gwen would of know what happened.

His whole destiny was based on him keeping this moment from happening. Kilgharrah told him he hasn't failed but every bone in his body, every magic he held screamed in terror that he has. Of course he failed. Many had put their belief in merlin that he will make sure the kingdom everyone is waiting for will happen. Hundreds has died for it. And he failed. Failed all of them. He believed in himself for so long that he will see himself accepted. He knew it would happen. He knew arthur would bring it to them. And even as arthur was dying, merlin thought: 

“Maybe you’re immortal.” 

Because he can’t die. Not yet. Not now. Merlin promised arthur that he will fight for him or die at his side. Now arthur is dead and merlin is still alive. He was supposed to die alongside arthur. Part of him has. Two sides of the same coin. Half his soul now rests in the lake of avalon. He can’t keep thinking about all the things that went wrong.

What if they never ran into Kara? What if Merlin never lost his magic? What if they didn’t lose the horses? What if he called kilgharrah sooner? What if they just walked faster. It’s only filled with what if’s. And that’s all it ever will be. 

What if...he said he loved him. 

And arthur actually did accept merlin. He knew of his secret and he still held him in his arms. Arthur still thanked merlin. He knew and he was grateful for it. He cursed himself for not telling arthur sooner. Of course he believed arthur would still accept him. He isn’t his father. Of course he would be angry. Under these circumstances, arthur of course forgave merlin a lot faster then he would of if he told him sooner. He had a right to be angry. But that look in arthurs eyes as he told him to leave, made merlin break. He truly is such a fool for not telling him sooner. 

Merlin almost laughed out loud as he still stood in the shallow shore of avalon. It was already becoming dark. He just wanted to continue to be lost in his thoughts of arthur forever, even though arthurs body has disappeared in the distance. Arthur would of called him a idiot if he could see him right now. Spending hours just standing in the cold. 

“You useless toad of a servant, don’t just stand there, do something useful.” Arthur would say. Maybe he is watching him right now. Or maybe he just isn’t here at all and never will be. 

Merlin tried to shake those thoughts from his head and he decided that he can’t leave Gwen, Gaius and the knights alone. Finally he tore his glossy eyes away from avalon and took a step back on land. It felt quiet. Cold. No sound rested in the forest. No birds sang. No deers ran. Merlin spotted the red cape he left in the dirt. Arthurs cape. He took it off arthur before he put him in the boat. He wanted a piece of him to remember. The blood from his wound left a deeper shade in parts of the fabric. He carried it with him as he started to make his way to camelot. As he left the clearing into the woods, he looked back at the lake. Empty. His chest twisted in unimaginable pain like he has just been stabbed himself. Merlin shut his eyes hoping the pain would pass. But he felt it the whole way back. 

After struggling for days on foot, horses gone and the slowness of his steps from the weight on his heart, Merlin finally saw camelots castle afar. He wanted to throw up. He never wanted to walk back alone. He alway believed he never would. As these thoughts came rushing back, merlin's head pounded and he leaned forward and vomited. Just missing his shoes. He wished his feelings would pass along with the vomit but as he wiped his mouth and the citric foul taste lingered, he knew the feelings would never go away.  
  
Merlin dragged his feet as he walked, not wanting to take in the reality of everything. Not wanting to see gwens disappointed face as she sees him walk up alone. He didn’t want to see it, he didn’t want to deal with it, he wanted to be gone just like arthur. But he had to face his friends. He couldn’t leave camelot behind. 

Merlin finally arrived at the camelots gate and struggled through it. Arthurs cape tossed on his shoulder. The blood finally dried but it left a stain on his tunic and hands. Tears became pooling his eyes again and his chest twisted just at the sight of camelot. Quiet just like the woods. A home without a heart. Merlin peered up at the castles window and saw gwen staring back. In a flood of swift brown hair, she left and appeared at the top of the outside stairs. They faced each other and gwens features were pooling with tears just like merlin but she ran up to him and pulled him to a hug. Merlin shuttered and the weight of his shoulders relaxed as he wrapped up in gwen. His tears slipping onto her red dress.   
“I’m sorry.” was all he could croak out. He was sorry for so much. 

Gwen pulled back to face him and it looked like she became 10 years older in just the week he was gone. “What happened merlin?” 

All merlin did was just pull her back into a hug and spoke “Maybe we should talk about this in private without all of camelot listening.”   
  
~~~~  
They arrived inside the castle and went into the throne room. So big and empty. Holding two chairs and only one to fill it. Half of him expected to walk in and arthur would be sitting there, chin held high. Merlin's name echoed through the halls, commanding to do another task. Merlin would mumble under his breath but he still did it for him, every time. Now he had no more chores to do. No arthur to rescue. He suddenly wished he was waist deep in armor to clean because anything was better than this. 

“Where’s arthur?” Gwen managed out in the cracks of her voice. Not wanting to believe what merlin might say. 

“I wasn’t fast enough, we were so close. So close, so close, so-” Merlin began, rumbling his words in fast motion, ignore the tears that made its way down his face. “He was wounded. I had to get him to the lake of avalon to heal him but i wasn’t fast enough and-”

“Merlin, I know.” 

Merlin stayed quiet, unsure of what to do. He watched gwen and through his tears and hers, she smiled. “It was you, wasn’t it? The sorcerer at the battle.” 

Merlin spent his whole life shielding who he was and now it comes crumbling down. After years of wanting to be accepted, it all didn’t seem to matter now without arthur. Who cares on who knows now? He didn’t care anymore, and he didn’t care on what happened to him. They could declare him as being hanged at sunrise and he’d put the noose around his neck and look in the sunrise with a slight smile on his face because he’d be able to see arthur. 

But instead, Gwen says, “It’s okay, you don’t have to hide.” she breathes in, trying to determine what merlins shallow expression is saying. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you more.” 

“I’m just sorry I couldn’t help arthur.” Merlin states shakey. Of course Gwen accepts merlin. Such kind hearted gwen but merlin found out today that being kind doesn’t get you anything but death.

“Merlin-what about,” Gwen seems to be trying to gather her thoughts. “What about his body.” She swallows roughly.

Merlin tells gwen everything. Reliving every moment he wants to shove down. He skips the point where arthur is dying in his arms. It was just the two of them. Together as one with nobody else to witness and that was merlin's memory to remember and keep himself. 

\-------

Arthur is declared dead. 

All of Camelot screams it as merlin walks back to gaius's chambers. His feet heavy as he enters.

The space he spent years in feels so unfamiliar. Every inch of Camelot feels so empty and useless without Arthur. 

Gaius is in the throne room with the rest of Camelot. Saying his name. The king is dead. Long live the queen. The shouts echoes through the bones of Camelot. Gwen will make a amazing queen. But it feels like his destiny was all just a dragons breath. Fiery flame but gone and useless the next. Now his body lays as cold as Arthur's. 

As merlin reaches his room, he collapses onto his bed. The thin mattress worn over the years. Merlin, still holding onto Arthur's cape, lays it over his own body and tries to find some warmth. Arthur's scent overwhelms the air. When merlin said: every tree, every insect, it's as if the world is vibrating. 

This is what he meant. 

He balls the cape into his fists and screams. A loud and painful scream. It turns dry and makes him feel weak. 

Tears roll down his face as he whispers,

"Long live the king."


	2. And the world keeps rotating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin is nothing without magic, but turns out he is nothing without Arthur

The first month was the hardest. 

Actually every day was the hardest. It never got better. Merlin never felt better. He didn't want to feel better.

Every morning was impossible to face. The first week, merlin wouldn't even get out of bed until gaius made him eat something. All he did was stare at it. He didnt feel like he deserved the days that he had. Arthur was supposed to have these days, not him. 

Merlin didnt speak for the first week also. He couldn't gather the right words, couldn't find the strength. Not strong enough. That's all he ever was.

"All the magic in the world, and you still can't save me." 

Not strong enough. The greatest warlock to walk the earth isn't strong enough. 

Arthur will come back. He has to. Killigrah said he would, the once and future king. 

But how long will he have to wait? Can he wait for that long? How is he supposed to if he can't even get out of bed? Every memory of Arthur glued into his thoughts. He repeated words he said to him. Imagined him. Dreamed of him. As he did, he noticed he started to even forget some of the memories. He didnt want to forget. hes going to live thousands of years without him and all he has is his memory and his cape. 

Merlin finally decided that he needs to get up. He felt so useless without Arthur, without his other half, without his destiny to guide him. But all that he could hear was Arthur yelling at him to get his lazy ass of a servant up out of bed. To do something. Anything. 

So that's what he did. 

Throughout the next week, he would wander around aimlessly. He would find leon and percival and find some comfort. They would share eachothers stories, grip each others arms and look at each other with such sympathy. He'd spend hours cleaning their armor in silence. Sometimes if he focused long enough on the brush moving back and forth, he'd forget where he was and all that ever happened. But then he'd look up and feel the emptiness in the air and the twist in his chest.

All merlin could do was wait. What else was he supposed to do? He no longer had a purpose. All of Camelot seemed to ignore the fact that he had magic. Maybe they were all dealing with Arthur that they forgot. 

Merlin wished he told gwaine. 

He could imagine gwaine making him steal from the tavern to get some more coins for another drink. 

He would poison himself just to see if merlin could cure him. He would of made the knights bald so merlin would regrow it. He would shoot god with a cross arrow and ask merlin to pull it out.

If only merlin told everyone sooner. 

~~~

The days went by faster than he expected. After a few months, gwen made merlin court sorcerer and started on making magic legal. 

It was a long process but it finally happened. 

What everyone wanted, what destiny wanted but without Arthur. 

Gaius helped a lot. Helped him stand on his two feet again, to breath again. 

But everything felt wrong. Merlins smile never reached his eyes anymore. And nothing was never the same. 

Sometimes he'd walk into Arthur's room, look around and sit down on his bed, clothes his eyes, and pretend everything was fine. 

Until another servant would barge in, doing some dusting, making merlin leave. 

At first, people weren't so keen on the idea of allowing magic back in Camelot. After years of uther, killing and banishing people accused of it, even if they were innocent, people thought it was a joke. 

And like Arthur, people were raised as magic being evil.

People would stare at merlin, spit on his shoes, or stay far away from him. Scared of him, or disgusted by him. Whispers around the castle said that merlin was at fault for Arthur's death.

He wanted to scream at them and tell them that they are wrong. But all he does is look down and stay away from them too. 

The hardest part is not knowing when he is coming back. Maybe he isn't coming back at all. And all he has is hope. 

~~~~~

As the year mark of Arthur's death arrives, something that merlin feared finally happened.

Gaius died too. 

In his sleep. Peacefully, the other newer physician said. Naturally, from old age. 

Merlin felt his magic lose grip around him. When he was alone, the walls of his room started shaking. His books slammed onto the floor, as his realization dawned. That he will, in fact. Witnesses everyone he has ever loved, die. 

At this point, merlin decided that immortality is a not a blessing, but a curse. 

_______

Finally, merlin decides to wipe his eyes and go to the lake of Albion. It's the first time in a year since hes been there. 

The ride is longer then he remembers. Weeds seemed to grow farther than before. The deers and chirps of birds have returned though. 

As he arrives at the lake, it looks like it hasn't changed at all. Automatically making his eyes blur, tear fall down and he doesnt bother to wipe them away. 

As he reaches the shore line, he let's out a strangled shout. His magic helps him along, shaking the trees behind him, birds fly from the branches. 

He reaches face down to the water and sits. 

And he whispers, hoping he can push the words far enough across the lake that he can hear. 

"When I asked for a day off, this wasn't what I meant."


End file.
